Practice

I've always been interested in meditation -- typical of me, I read books about it, go on retreats to learn about it, create altars and cool spaces, and never actually do it.  So as part of my attempt to get out of this cloud, I made a promise to myself:  I will sit for 10 minutes every day, morning and evening.  Nothing big or grand, just sit.  I'm announcing this to the world because I feel sort of embarrassed about it (why?).  I don't have a goal or anything, I'm just sitting. Three days so far, of just sitting.  I can't tell if anything is happening, but I'm going to keep sitting for a while now.

Hello blog

I've been depressed lately.  It's hard for me to put that out there, but it's the truth.  My whole life, I've always felt like I have a shadow over my shoulder, just sadness waiting to come in and fill the holes.  It comes and goes and I've been lucky to control my depression with medication for most of my life.  So recently I felt like things were going well and I stopped taking my meds for the first time in about twelve years.  It turns out I need those pills.  And it feels like such a weakness and such a let down.  I want to be authentic, and I really was hoping that I could finally dig down and be real, un-chemically altered me.  But it didn't work out, and I'm choking down those pills every day and wondering if I'm doing the right thing.

2013

I have chosen my new word for 2013.  It is LOVE.  I'm excited about it because it feels right.  It feels like the word chose me.  And now I'm seeing it everywhere.  This is my word because my heart is feeling so big & full right now, I am feeling so grateful for all I have, I am just looking forward with anticipation, and I am feeling in love with the world today.

NaNoWriMo

Today, I started writing a novel alongside my creative writing class.  It was so much fun to see them that excited!  A bunch of teachers and administrators came to our kick off, which was so encouraging for them.  And tonight I sat down and wrote 1700 words, my goal for today.  Maybe I can actually pull this off!

Transcendentalism

So I decided to take my AP class outside today because we were discussing Emerson and Thoreau, and then I wanted to print out quotes from Walden for them to read, and then I had to put them in little envelopes sealed with washi tape...  everything turns into such a huge production, but it was nice.  Except for the fact that there was a huge truck chopping down the "woods" behind the school where we were trying to appreciate nature.

Today

Morning

This morning, I'm inspired by my friend to come back to my blog.  I enjoy seeing her thoughts in my reader, which makes me look back on my own entries, and realize how much pleasure I get from having them collected here.  So thanks D!
I am coming off a very difficult week, with a lot of frustration and anger within myself about an issue at school.  Although I am once again disillusioned by the fearfulness that drives many of the decisions made in education, this experience also brought several gifts in its hands for me.  One is the knowledge that if I act with integrity and do what my heart tells me, then I don't ever have to be afraid.  I might be furious and tearful and a hot mess, but I am not afraid.  The other is that I am incredibly blessed to have a tribe of great women around me, who surround me with their words, energy, listening skills, text messages and hugs, reminding me that I am not alone.  What's better than that.
I don't know what is going to come of this particular situation, but I'm very content this morning sitting here with my coffee in my quiet kitchen.