Practice

I've always been interested in meditation -- typical of me, I read books about it, go on retreats to learn about it, create altars and cool spaces, and never actually do it.  So as part of my attempt to get out of this cloud, I made a promise to myself:  I will sit for 10 minutes every day, morning and evening.  Nothing big or grand, just sit.  I'm announcing this to the world because I feel sort of embarrassed about it (why?).  I don't have a goal or anything, I'm just sitting. Three days so far, of just sitting.  I can't tell if anything is happening, but I'm going to keep sitting for a while now.

Hello blog

I've been depressed lately.  It's hard for me to put that out there, but it's the truth.  My whole life, I've always felt like I have a shadow over my shoulder, just sadness waiting to come in and fill the holes.  It comes and goes and I've been lucky to control my depression with medication for most of my life.  So recently I felt like things were going well and I stopped taking my meds for the first time in about twelve years.  It turns out I need those pills.  And it feels like such a weakness and such a let down.  I want to be authentic, and I really was hoping that I could finally dig down and be real, un-chemically altered me.  But it didn't work out, and I'm choking down those pills every day and wondering if I'm doing the right thing.

2013

I have chosen my new word for 2013.  It is LOVE.  I'm excited about it because it feels right.  It feels like the word chose me.  And now I'm seeing it everywhere.  This is my word because my heart is feeling so big & full right now, I am feeling so grateful for all I have, I am just looking forward with anticipation, and I am feeling in love with the world today.